I wasn’t supposed to cry on my first day.
I was arranging art supplies on the table in the back when the morning group arrived.
Two little girls stepped through the door holding hands. Dark curls. Round cheeks. The confident walk of children who feel at home wherever they go. They couldn’t have been older than five—about the age my twins would have been.
I smiled the way adults do when greeting children. Then I froze as I looked at them more closely. They looked uncannily like I had when I was young.
They looked uncannily like I had when I was young.
Then they ran straight toward me. They wrapped their arms around my waist and clung tightly, like children who had been waiting a long time for something.
“Mom!” the taller one cried with delight. “Mom, you finally came! We kept asking you to come get us!”
The entire room fell silent.
I looked at the lead teacher, who gave me an uneasy laugh and silently mouthed “sorry.”
“Mom, you finally came!”
I barely made it through the rest of that morning.
I carried on with the routine: snack time, circle time, outdoor play. But my eyes kept drifting back to the girls. I kept noticing details I had no right to notice.
The way the smaller one tilted her head when she was thinking. The way the taller one pressed her lips together before speaking. Their gestures mirrored each other perfectly.
But it was their eyes that unraveled me again and again. Both girls had unusual eyes: one blue and one brown.
My eyes are the same. They always have been. A form of heterochromia so distinctive that my mother used to joke I’d been pieced together from two different skies.
It was their eyes that broke me.
I excused myself to the bathroom and stood at the sink for three full minutes, gripping the porcelain and trying to steady myself.
I stared at the ceiling and let the memories surface: eighteen hours of labor, the emergency at the end, and the surgeries that followed.
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